Finding Myself Through You
by wolfbytes99
Summary: After Emma wakes up from a coma that put her to sleep for 2 months, she learns that she lost about 15 years of her memory due to a lethal car accident. Unable to even remember her own son, she confides in the new widower that moved in across the hall in her apartment building. Both broken souls, they fix each other in ways they never deemed possible until they met... Modern CS AU
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hi there! I got the idea for this story the other day, and decided to give it a shot and see how far it would go. This is an alternate universe, so the characters will be almost completely different than the actual show, and I mean it when I say that. But nothing about the fact that this is a Captain Swan fanfic is going to change, so with that being said, review and let me know what you think of the story! I really appreciate it!**

 **Disclaimer: These are not my original characters, they are the products of the amazingly creative Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz! Art Cover credit goes to Society6.**

 **Anyway, thanks and enjoy!**

* * *

 **CHAPTER 1**

 _ **Emma**_

* * *

 _ **"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."**_

 _ **-**_ **Confucius**

When you fall, the world seems to slow down with you.

It feels like a revolving clock, ticking at its numbers and placing you one inch closer to insanity. It rings in your ears and your heart beats in an uncontrollable frenzy, and you swear that it's about to jump right out of your chest.

But yet, you just float either way.

I've dreamt of falling, and pretty much anyone who's had a general sense of fear has too. You know that feeling, right? That lurching sensation in your stomach, making you hold your breath since it becomes so hard to inhale oxygen whatsoever. You keep falling, screaming for help... but no one is there to help you. It feels so real, and you can't help but brace yourself for the inevitable death that will occur once you hit the ground.

But then there's the moment you wake up, heart pounding, beads of sweat running down your forehead... you would swear that nothing even happened.

And it didn't.

But I wasn't dreaming this time. There was no end to the awful lurching feeling in my gut, no sense that I was going to finally hit the ground and wake up...

I just kept falling slowly, my hair flowing with the wind and the darkness surrounding me.

I could hear voices briefly in my fall, they sounded familiar and urgent, but to be honest the more I kept falling the more memories started to fade away from my existence.

"Is she going to wake up anytime soon?"

That was the first voice I remember, it was the sound of a distressed woman... she sounded like she was crying.

"It depends... she's experienced tremendous blunt force trauma to her prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that controls most of her short-term memory."

This was a man now, but he was unfamiliar and serious in his tone while speaking to the woman.

"You're not saying that she'll be completely brain dead after this point are you, Doctor Whale?"

That was another man's voice, but far more familiar. There was also an unexpected pause in conversation.

"Well that's the good news... she will be functional and fully able to do everyday things if she finds the strength to wake up."

I heard a sigh of relief coming from the two other people in the room around me, but then I the doctor seemed to grunt in another revelation to tell the family.

"But the bad news is that she will most likely not remember anything that happened in the past 15 years... The long term memory of everyday things and general problem solving and what she learned in her school years will remain intact, but she won't remember anyone she met within this year span."

There was silence once more, and it became so quiet a pin could have dropped and the sound would have shaken the entire area.

"So Henry... Neal... she won't remember them?"

"She'll probably barely remember Neal, but not as her husband. And Henry..."

There were no more words exchanged after this point, there was only the sounds of cries and agony.

"I'll give you two a moment to decide whether or not you'll take her off life support."

I couldn't hear anything else after this, everything else just became blank noise... the falling continued, and there was no bottom. I knew that I was dying, now... there was no hope anymore.

Everything in my vision became blurry, the sounds I once heard in my head were starting to lessen.

I saw flashes of Henry as a baby, me holding him in his arms for the very first time... his huge smile staring at me, and mine welcoming him into the world.

I saw Neal, how happy he was to see me after I had given birth to our first son, and the pride in his eyes as he kissed me telling me over and over that he loved me more than Tallahassee could ever do for him.

I saw myself driving the bug, dirty and running on its last chunks of miles that It managed to pull through after all these years...

I turned a corner, seeing only blackness in front of the headlights...

Until there was lights...

Blood...

A window shield...

My body sprawled across the car...

And then there was nothing...

Nothing but blackness.

And as I closed my eyes...

I lost myself with them.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

 _ **Killian**_

* * *

 ** _"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on."_**

 ** _-_ Robert Frost**

Boxes are just empty pieces of your soul staring at you with a mocking grin.

The boxes filled the room, taunting me with their inquisitive flaps, and waiting for me to unveil their painful contents.

There were too many memories to sift through, too many of the past that I once had.

It wasn't the same without her.

The snow outside fell softly, fluffy and fresh and landing on the outskirts of the harbor surrounding the apartment building.

It reminded me of the day I first met her, inside the coffee shop on that cold morning...

 _"If I must say, sir... you are quite a catch."_

* * *

I was 18 years old, about to graduate high school that upcoming Summer, and she was a tiny little sophomore.

I had never seen her before until that very moment, with her braids snaking her blouse and skirt riding up her legs.

I simply laughed and continued my job as I did every day. _"May I take your order?"_

But she and her friends behind her simply laughed and pestered me further. I could immediately tell that this was probably some stupid truth or dare situation. _"But it would be really helpful If we knew your number, sir."_

I shook my head. _"Miss, you're holding up the line."_

But she just stared at me with her big silver eyes. _"Ah but that would mean you're a coward... I don't like cowards."_

I watched in my peripheral vision as my manager glared at me.

" _Oh come on, I have to work."_

But she just continued to stare at me.

I finally realized that she wasn't going to let me work unless I gave her my number, so I pulled out a napkin from the counter and clicked my pen open.

As I handed it to her, she gave me a big bright grin. _"Killian... Killian Jones? The boy that owns that boat called 'The Crocodile' off the Star Harbor?"_

I cocked my eyebrows, unsure how she would know such a personal detail about me. _"How do you know that?"_

She placed her nose right in front of mine. _"I get around."_

I finally mustered a smile and watched as she was about to turn around and head toward the exit.

 _"Say what's your name?"_

Her braids brushed her cheeks as she shot her head back to look at me with her silver eyes.

 _"Milah. Milah Roger."_

And with that, she disappeared into the snow outside the window...

* * *

"Enjoying the view, are we?"

I jumped as I saw Liam staring at me with a snarky grin. "Jesus... a bomb could have gone off in this room and I still don't think that would have fazed you."

I scoffed. "Oh shut up, Liam."

He started laughing hysterically as he opened the fridge and started raiding for food. "Bloody Hell, Killian don't you ever go shopping?"

I looked back at him. "No... because unlike you I have to pay for your groceries now, and I also don't eat away my feelings!"

Liam looked at me with sarcastic puppy eyes. "Oh would you look at that... now you're blaming my cancer for my appetite!"

I simply shrugged my shoulders. "Maybe. But there are definitely other ways that you can control it."

He stuck his tongue at me, making me shake my head.

He had been using his cancer as an excuse for anything, lately.

"Hey... I figured if I was dying, then I may as well eat and go out with a bang, right?"

I looked at him with a frown this time.

"But you aren't dead yet."

Liam's smile faded from his mouth and came up to my side. "Man... I know how hard this must be for you. I know that it's getting close to that time..."

I nodded. "It's been a year since I found her."

I felt Liam's hand as he patted my back and pulled me into a hug. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve to lose us."

I wanted to cry in that moment... tell him how much I loved him, and how much I was going to miss him when would disappear from my world.

"Well, luckily you're stuck with me for awhile before this bloody cancer kicks my ass."

I had to laugh at that comment... If it was one thing that Liam was good at, it was finding a way to make me laugh even when I thought about Milah.

Or death in general.

Liam suddenly heard a noise in the hallway, and went to go check it out.

"L-Liam... is that you?" I heard a woman's voice come from outside the door.

"Yeah, it is. Goodness I feel like it's been ages since I've seen you, Mary Marguerite. Emma's and Neal's apartment hasn't been touched for a couple of weeks."

They were talking for awhile, until they finally said their goodbyes and he walked back in.

"Bloody Hell." He whispered.

I sat down next to him as he placed his palms on his forehead. "That poor family."

"What's up with your neighbors across the hall?"

I watched as brushed the scruff on his chin for a moment. "Well there's this family that lives across from my apartment. It's pretty small and tight knit, but Emma, the wife, is one of my closest friends."

I listened as Liam wiped away a tear rolling down his cheek. "I knew she got into a pretty bad accident but I didn't realize it was THAT bad..."

I stared at the snow as It continued to fall with an ominous glow.

"I can only imagine what that family is going through right now."

I could imagine what it was like... mostly because I understood completely. I had dealt with loss before, and it was particularly traumatic.

I knew from that moment that Emma and I had a connection, and even though I barely knew her, I was going to help her in any way I could.

I owed it to the girl with the pigtail braids. That snarky little bitch who acted like she knew everything.

I owed it to her smile, the way she would kiss me in the snow, because she always thought rain was too cliché...

I owed it to the laugh that haunted my dreams.

I owed it to the screams I heard that awful night...

I owed it to the coffee shop where we first met...

I owed it to Milah.


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

 _ **Emma**_

* * *

 _ **"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken pieces."**_

 _ **-**_ **Ernest Hemingway**

I thought the darkness engulfed me... but for good this time.

There were sounds, voices, and conversations all around me. Some of them I could make out, others that I couldn't. I couldn't decipher fantasy from reality anymore.

It was an empty void of eerie silence, and it was torturing me with every hour that seemed to pass by.

I wished they would just do it already, pull the plug and put me out me out of my misery. This wasn't a way to live... But yet I stayed in blackness.

But finally, out of the blue one random moment, I felt the sudden energy to move.

I first moved my fingers, twitching them slightly to regain blood flow. Then I moved my lips, groaning with aching pains and squinting my eyes in the process.

And then there was a bright light.

It was so bright, that I thought I would go blind and be blanketed with darkness once more, but yet my vision remained intact.

I looked around slowly, trying to hide the pain all over my body with no avail.

The room looked like someone had practically moved in, with a bed set out in the corner and a personal computer on the other side.

A giant TV hung on the wall, and stuffed animals, cards, and gifts surrounded my body.

I didn't know what to think or feel in that moment, and had no clue what was happening.

I saw a remote hanging off the edge of my fingers, and noticed a button in bold print labeling NURSE on the top.

I clicked it gently, and I heard a voice on the other end. "Yes, Mrs. Swan what do you need now?"

The nurse who answered seemed annoyed and bored, as if this had happened many times before.

"So thirsty... Need water..."

I could barely speak I was so weak, and I was surprised when the nurse gasped on the other end.

"God almighty... It's a miracle!"

I watched as many nurses and residents entered the room, watching the main doctor check my vitals and take notes on their small clipboards.

I did everything that he asked me to do, and guzzled down the three full glasses of water that the nurses gave me.

"Can you tell me what your name is?" The main Doctor asked me as he shined a light in my eyeballs.

"E-Emma Swan..."

He nodded his head. "Very good. And who are your parents?"

I wondered why he was asking me these questions. "Mary Marguerite and David Snow."

"Do you know who I am?" He asked, looking at me as if expecting a different answer.

"You're Doctor Whale... you're my family physician and dated my mom in high school. I've known you since I was a baby..."

He drew a giant smile across his face, and almost hugged me until he realized that I still had many broken bones.

"Alright Emma... just one more crucial question."

I watched cautiously as he pulled out a picture from his pocket. In it, was young boy with brunette hair, and a taller man kneeling next to him seemingly after a game of football.

"Do you know who these people in the photo are?"

All of a sudden, the memories that seemed to be lodged deep inside the recesses of my mind seemed to be empty, and all I saw was a blank wall of nothingness.

I watched the photo for many minutes, shaking with fear and anxiety, making me grab my forehead.

"No... I don't remember them at all. Should I?"

Doctor Whale's smile immediately faded from his lips, and he watched as the other residents and nurses frowned as well.

"It's just as I feared..." He whispered to himself, and he started walking away, despite the fact I overheard him.

"Doctor Whale..."

He turned around quickly before I could say anything else. "I'll explain later, Emma. For now, you need to get some rest. Real rest."

I watched as he left me alone to my thoughts and confusion, not completely understanding why he kept me in the dark for the time being.

I felt the air coming into my nose from the artificial oxygen coming into it.

IVs poked my body, and monitors surrounded me, annoying me with their teasing beeps and noises.

It was an awful situation, one that I was ready to get out of.

I decided to read the cards surrounding the bed, trying desperately to recognize the names listed.

Besides a few old friends from college, none of the names including children born within the last 15 years of my amnesia were recognizable.

I felt the tears slide down my cheek, unsure what to do and completely helpless in the process.

I slowly prepared myself for the living Hell I was about to step into...

And the life I was about to restart.


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4**

 _ **Killian**_

* * *

 _ **"Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars and change the world."**_

 **-Harriet Tubman**

Dreams are strange alternate universes.

There are so many types. There are some so beautiful you don't want it to end, while others are so terrifying you can't wait for the moment when you can finally wake up.

I dream of Milah all the time.

Sometimes, they're reminders of memories that happened in the past. Small little moments that I took for granted the first time, or even large moments that I'll never forget.

I dream of her arms around me, whispering "I love you" in my ear, and saying the same to her. I dream of her laughter, her smile, her flowing brown hair in the wind...

But the nightmares never cease to return.

I see the bruises on her skin, the sounds of her desperate screams piercing the night while everyone just walks away as if nothing happened...

I see the bags in her eyes, staring into my soul as if they went on for miles into an unforgiving abyss.

I hear my voice trying to help her, trying to save her from the Hell she once lived in, trying to be the husband that she deserved to have...

I hear the gunshots ringing in my ears...

I see her body lying there...

I hear her voice whisper to me again, except now it's "help me..."

But the dream always ends the same... in the end, there's nothing I can do.

In the end, she always dies in my arms.

I expect her to be sleeping there beside me, greeting me with her usual "good morning hot shot" she always said when I woke up...

But then I realize that the nightmare isn't over...

She's still dead... and she's still merely particles of dust in the wind.

* * *

But in the past few weeks, things started changing quickly.

I wasn't dreaming of Milah, probably for the first time since I found her in our home that fateful day.

I was dreaming of another woman.

She would just stand there in the snow while it fell around me in an empty space.

Her hair blended in with the white crystals, dotting the pale designs against her golden locks.

When she would see me, she would simply just smile with adoration, and hold out her hand.

"Take my hand, Killian..." She would say. "Everything will be alright."

I would always pull away, as I had no idea who this woman was, nor what she actually wanted with me.

I watched as she would place her fingers against my cheek, stroking it softly and smiling lightly.

"Take my hand, Killian... But don't let go."

She kept whispering this in my ear as she pulled me further into the white distance...

And for some strange reason...

I followed her into it.

* * *

I felt the cold air blanketing my body, and the shivers shuddering my back until it stretched into my fingers.

The floor beneath the open window was wet with snow, and I started rubbing my arms in order regain warmth.

Since getting stage 4 lung cancer, it was getting harder for Liam to breathe easy on his own.

He refused to be put on artificial oxygen, so for the time being he used the winter chill to give him natural breath...

But having only a couple of more months to live meant that his strength was drastically failing, so the fact he left the windows open sometimes slipped his mind.

I watched as he was sacked on the couch, his evening medication still untaken and left in the pill bottle that I specifically left out for him to take.

I shook my head and left them there, not wanting to wake him up either way since it was a rarity now that he got any sleep whatsoever.

As I walked into the kitchen and opened Liam's fridge, I looked over my shoulder as I quickly grabbed the last cold beer stuffed between the cracks of the drawers.

I popped open the cap, and tasted the alcohol trickling down my esophagus.

I didn't stop drinking until I made it to the final drop, wiping the excess liquid off the scruff of my chin.

I had been drinking a lot lately, trying to forget about the troubles that had plagued my life.

After everything that happened, and the recent news of Liam's cancer, I moved back to my small hometown of Storybrooke, Maine to not only take care of him, but take care of myself at the same time.

I rented a vacant lot at the end of the hall, just a few doors down from Liam to make sure that if anything happened I would be there for him.

Every room was busy at some certain time during the day, whether people were working or settling in for the evening.

But yet there was always one room that was quiet and untouched since I moved there, and I couldn't help but feel a connection every time I passed by the door.

Liam had heard bits and pieces of Emma's condition, but tended to keep it to himself... I figured he had enough of hospitals for the time being.

"Ugh... Killian?"

Liam's head popped up as I quickly slipped the empty beer bottle into the recycling, making sure that he didn't notice.

"Good morning, Sleeping Beauty."

Liam rubbed his forehead, and immediately started having a coughing fit.

I calmly grabbed a napkin, ready for what was next, and placed it in his hand.

He continued to cough incessantly, until I finally saw the red stain the white cloth, and the blood finally started wetting his chin.

"Just breathe, man... I've got you."

He finally stopped coughing for some time, lolling his body back and trying to relax once more. "God you would think I was a fucking vampire with all this blood coming out of my mouth."

I laughed as I placed my arm around his shoulders. "Yeah well... our parents were Irish, and when they moved our baby rumps over here, they didn't resist to swear as much as they bloody wanted."

Liam managed to pull off a smile after that remark, and I watched as he laid his head on my shoulder.

"I don't want to die, Killian."

I immediately straightened my back as he said that, as it was unlike him to say such things out loud.

"Let's just take one day at a time, okay? Let every minute count."

But I knew that wasn't going to help, and I normally wasn't such a sugarcoating person...

But Liam was too sensitive; too innocent to know about how life really was.

But in the corner of my eye, I swore I saw Milah standing there with her snarky little grin...

And I immediately realized just how crazy my life had become, and how it would never be the same.


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5**

 _ **Emma**_

* * *

 _ **"We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope."**_

 **-Martin Luther King**

When you're stuck in a hospital, the world continues to move, but yet you remain utterly motionless.

I desperately wanted to meet people besides my parents, people who I supposedly forgot about after the accident that changed my life.

I wanted to get told something different, something uplifting rather than the same mindless chatter.

"It's natural to feel angry, bitter, and sad." They would say to me. "It's all part of the process."

But yet, through all the agonizing physical therapy, and the breathing tubes and IVs still trying to retain the last bits of energy my body had left, there was that empty piece of something that couldn't be reached.

They wouldn't tell me who was in that photograph, in fact, they acted like it would overwhelm me.

Even if it would, I simply just wanted to know... that way, I could truly understand the true severity of my amnesia.

It was the same agonizing pain, the same senseless medical talk, the same people who came to visit.

I would sometimes stare at the snow falling outside my window in the hospital room, wondering if there was anyone possibly staring back at me, giving me an answer to my desperate pleas.

I wasn't talking anymore, which was an unusual aspect of my behavior.

But the thing was, there was nothing left to talk about, nothing left that would overwhelm me in a way.

Whenever my parents came to visit, they would just stare at me with those same puppy eyes, like I was a precious doll that would shatter into a million pieces if dropped mindlessly.

I would just stare at the wall, waiting for an absolution that never seemed to come.

And when I was done with the world, I would simply lay my head back and hope that I would dream of happier times...

Or never wake up at all.

* * *

"Emma?"

I saw the blaring lights blind my vision for a moment as I saw my father wake me up gently with the tips of his fingers.

"Emma... there's someone here to visit you."

I turned around from my dad, trying to give him the hint that I wasn't interested. "I'm tired."

"I know you are, sweetheart... but could you just turn around for just a moment?"

I pushed my hair back, which would get caught in between my fingers due to how matted and dirty it had become with the amount of time I was in the bed.

As I faced the person behind me, I saw a young boy around his teenage years looking back at me.

"Hey mom."

I watched as my father straightened his back as if he was about to protest the boy, but instead let him talk further.

"You look like you've been through a lot."

I could tell he was holding back tears, but I couldn't understand why.

"Who are you?" I finally whispered.

"My name is Henry..." He was choking back tears forming in his eyes. "I'm your son."

I looked at my dad, who immediately turned his head away as if he was ashamed.

"I don't have a son, kid..."

The boy named Henry looked at me with big brown eyes now turning red with the tears falling down his cheeks.

"You do... you just don't remember it."

I stared at the wall, trying to retain this new information. "So the boy in the photograph..."

"He's your son... and I'm your husband."

I watched as another man came out from behind my dad. "Hey Ems."

"Nobody calls me that..." I whispered desperately.

"I know they don't. But I do. My name is Neal."

My father glared at my "husband" as if he said something to me he wasn't supposed to.

"Emma I know how overwhelming this must be for you, but since we've been talking about getting you out of here, we thought it would be best if we tell you before..."

"Before what, dad? I become nothing but a mad woman whose lost about 25% of her short term memory within the last 15 years? Thanks for nothing."

I knew that I was acting like a complete bitch to my dad, which I never did. I just felt completely alone in an endless storm.

I wanted to apologize, to tell him that everything I was saying was some sort of side effect of the pain meds...

But I knew that I had already broken a bond the minute I woke up from my coma.

"Emma please..."

"She's completely different... I knew it, I just knew it!"

I watched in agony as the boy named Henry started sobbing and ran out of the room.

Neal ran his hand out to mine and touched it gently. "Emma I know how hard this must be for you..."

I glared in their direction and pulled my hand away. "No that's the thing you don't. You say that, but let's face it, you have no idea how to help me. You've already proven that to me for how long it's taken for you to get the guts to show up."

I turned back over to my side. "Now if you don't mind, I need some sleep... I feel very fatigued at the moment."

And with that, they both left the room without another word.


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6**

 _ **Killian**_

* * *

 _ **"The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and the other begins?"**_

 **-Edgar Allen Poe**

No matter how many times I've been to one, graveyards never cease to amaze me at how they can affect a person.

I've met numerous people who would argue that graveyards give them a sense of peace, as if the person that died wanted to be set six feet under a pile of dirt and grime.

I tend to fall under the majority that are more disturbed by graveyards... there's something about all of those decaying and seemingly ageless angels staring at you with empty eyes that seem to do it for me.

But not many people can blame me for feeling that way, as Milah's death wasn't at all peaceful, nor was it right in any way.

She shouldn't have to be remembered by a tombstone and decaying flesh.

As I walked up to her gravesite, I found that I couldn't cry anymore.

I used to come everyday after she passed, weeping until I felt like there were no more tears left to shed.

I didn't care if it was unnatural for a man to cry, it was also unnatural for birds to have wings if I did say so myself.

But it was nonetheless humiliating... after all, the man is supposed to die first in a marriage.

At least that's what I thought.

I watched as the snow cascaded onto the lettering now slowly fading as the months continued to drag on.

I brushed it off gently, trying to make room for the fresh bouquet I was planning to leave her.

I glanced over at the flower spot, praying that there would dying flowers that weren't all my own, but I exceeded my expectations.

Milah's family had shut her out long ago because of her original boyfriend, and they had a strained relationship ever since.

I remembered them at the funeral, and how disturbed I was to see that they barely shed a tear.

They had only visited her grave once since then, as far as I knew.

It was so strange to think how to one person, she was simply a piece of trash that deserved to be thrown away...

But to me, she was everything.

I simply sighed and placed my hand on her tombstone, trying to choke back the tears that I knew I could no longer let go of.

"I'll see you later, Milah... I love you."

The snow started falling faster as I returned to my car, and the engine revved slowly as I started it.

As I stared into the mirror, I saw a memory in the backseat...

 _Please... just try to understand. I'll pay you back I promise._

* * *

After our first meeting in my senior year, I couldn't help but notice her every time I walked by her in the hallway of school...

She almost never saw me look at her, or she was too busy hanging out with her preppy friends while I stayed with my boat boys.

But once in a while, she would bump into me purposely and whisper _"Hey hotshot... let's hang out sometime."_

I always took it as a joke, and I figured she did too, for she didn't waste any time finding a boyfriend for herself.

I never liked him from the start...

He was a tiny little coward, who tried to pose himself as a major bully in order to gain some dominance, I'm guessing.

She stayed with him for the rest of the year, and it wasn't long before she stopped calling me _"hotshot."_

But once in a while, I would barely glance at her, and I always knew something was wrong...

For she always had a new bruise on her body.

She would always try to cover it up with makeup, but I knew a punch when I saw one.

There was a distinct memory that I could never let go toward the end of the year, and it haunted me forever.

She was sitting at the lunch table across from me as always, but now, there was definitely something wrong.

She didn't seem as bubbly as I normally saw her as, and she had a hood on while sitting in a fetal position on the chair.

Her friends were completely oblivious, but I could see it very clearly.

She was facing toward me, and she noticed that I was looking at her.

Toward the end of lunch, I was about to head to my next class, but I felt an arm stop me abruptly...

When I turned around, it was Milah.

She lowered her hood so I could finally see her full face, and I was horrified to see a grotesque black eye covering about half of her forehead and the pupil surrounding it.

 _"Hey, hotshot... Could I get some coffee later?"_

I laughed gently. _"Yeah... it's a free country. That is if you can pay for it."_

I started laughing, trying to keep her mind at ease, but she simply just stared at me with wide eyes that screamed desperation.

 _"Please... try to understand. I'll pay you back. I need to get away... Please."_

Her voice was so fragile in that moment, It almost seemed like she would turn to dust if I breathed...

I couldn't deny her... I felt so sorry for her.

 _"Here let me write down when my break is... you can come then."_

I wrote it on a small piece of paper and handed it to her gently, and she placed it in one of her pockets.

 _"Thank you for everything..."_ She whispered.

 _"But I didn't..."_

I tried to tell her that I did nothing to help her in the past, I didn't even know she existed until I saw her on that fateful day in the coffee shop...

But she was already gone.

But now she needed my help, and I needed to know she was ok.

And it would change my life forever.

* * *

"Yo Killian... you in there?"

I shook my head back to reality as we entered the hospital elevators leading to the outpatient labs in order to get Liam's next round of chemo in.

"Oh me? Yeah... Just thinking about some things."

Liam looked at me with a concerned frown. "Oh yeah? Like what?"

I shook my head as we arrived on our designated floor. "Nothing. Just anxiety, I think."

I didn't like to tell Liam things that he knew were already true, and judging by the look in his eyes, he knew exactly what I was hiding.

"You know you're my brother, Killian... you can tell me anything."

I finally had enough of his questions. "Yeah well it's not something you need to know about ok?"

We stayed silent for many moments before we entered the room, when someone caught my eye in the hallway.

It was a woman around my age, she had bags under her eyes, was slumped over in a wheelchair, and literally looked like she got hit by a truck.

She ignored me as I stared.

"Liam... do you know who that woman is right there?"

He glanced over at the blonde haired woman, and frowned with disappointment. "Oh yeah, remember that friend I told you about? That's her."

I watched as the woman that I now knew was named Emma briefly glance in my direction, staring at me with the same desperate eyes that Milah gave me when I was in high school.

It was as if fate had finally set in at that exact moment.

I suddenly jumped as I heard Liam snap his fingers in my face. "Dude you're zoning out again."

I looked back at my brother and smirked. "Oh yeah. Sorry... again."

Liam simply punched me in the arm as he entered the room where his chemo therapy was awaiting.

"Come on, man. Let's just get this over with."

I knew that this was Liam's second round since he was diagnosed, and he already hated it.

If only he knew that the radiation would be so much worse.

I tried to look back over my shoulder to see if Emma was still there, but watched as she was solemnly rolled back into the elevator, staring at the wall and gazing at nothing but her own personal void of emptiness.

I wanted to tell her that things would be okay, to try to keep her chin up, or at least try to get a smile out of her frowning face...

But the problem was I understood her completely... I felt her pain just as much as she felt it herself.

In the way our lives played out, there was no sugarcoating anything. It just made us feel worse in the end.

I sat down next to Liam and watched as he flinched when the IV was being administered, cringing myself at the amount of effort that actually went into setting It through the artery.

"Stop making that face, will you? You're making this harder than it needs to be."

I laughed at Liam being back in his normal snarky attitude, and simply patted his shoulder as I laid my head back to relax.

"If only you knew the faces you were making... then maybe I would stop annoying you with mine."

He stuck out his tongue at me, and I did the same.

We may have been grown men, but he never hesitated to bring the kid back out in me...

It was probably the only thing left that kept me sane, after all.


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER 7**

 _ **Emma**_

* * *

 _ **"Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defies my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have-Life itself."**_

 **-Walter Anderson**

I felt the scars that aligned my body quiver and tingle with every move I made.

I felt my mother brush me gently with the sponge as she wiped away all of the excess crusty blood off of my stitches and general flesh wounds.

"So are you ready to go home? Finally have some real food and a bed of your own?"

I simply stayed quiet as she continued to bathe me gently, checking the clock every now and then so I wasn't late for my physical therapy session.

"You're not as talkative as you were before."

I simply watched as the water in the bath go from a clear translucent state into a rosy pink from the leftover blood from my wounds.

"There are a lot of things that are different about me, mom... and it may stay that way for some time."

My mother stopped scrubbing when I said this, and sighed heavily.

"Your father told me about the other day... I heard it didn't go so well."

I simply didn't answer this remark, for I knew my mom was just trying to make me apologize.

I knew that she was right, but at the same time, I couldn't understand why they couldn't make an exception for the time being.

"It was just a little sudden, that's all."

My mother unclogged the bath and let the pinkish residue circulate back into the drain.

"Yes but you were the one who was curious about the two people in the photo. I just expected a more mature response to the situation... especially coming from you."

I felt a sudden surge of anger pulsate through my body, and found the sudden strength to slam the side of the bath tub making a the sound echo through the bathroom.

"Would you guys stop saying that?! How the Hell am I supposed to react to this, mom? Every person besides you and Doctor Whale are people who claim to be my best friends or relatives of that same person, and I have no idea who they are. And as for Neal and Henry, I'm truly sorry for how I reacted the other day, but how would feel if you suddenly woke up one day and couldn't remember a thing about your own husband and son? Or in your case daughter? Huh? How would you feel?"

I stared into my mother's eyes, and watched as her lips puckered and tears welled up in her eyes.

"No you're right Emma... Let's just get you dressed... okay?"

As she turned around, I watched as she placed her forefingers on the brim of her forehead, and how she tried to hide her sobs with fail.

"You have to realize that we know we'll never be able to understand how you feel... Believe me if we could, we would get this fixed immediately... but this is simply a very different situation. I get it... it's extremely hard for you. And I'm truly sorry for that. But you have to realize something..."

My heart broke in two as she started to weep uncontrollably. "I'm watching my own daughter suffer... and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't kiss you to help the pain feel better, I can't give you anything that will help. And worst of all, I was the one who wanted to end it all... to pull the plug and end your life so you wouldn't have to live like this..."

She wiped her tears away. "But your father, Neal, and Henry all disagreed with me. It was 3-1."

I stopped moving my mouth as she stared at me, shocked at what she just divulged to me.

"You... wanted to take me off... life support?"

My mother simply helped me out of the bathtub and clothed me, without another word. "We'll talk about this later, alright?"

I stared her deep in the eyes in that moment. "No. We need to talk about this now."

But my mother simply sat me down on the bed. "Your physical therapist will be here soon... I think it's best that you be ready for her."

I watched as she held back tears when she opened the door into the hospital hallway.

"Like I said, we'll talk about this later."

And once again, I was left alone to my thoughts, along with all of the rest world to turn its back on me.

* * *

The days dragged on as usual, and I was slowly gaining enough strength to at least come home and "function."

It wouldn't be much of a life, to be honest... a lot of surgeries from complications of the accident, a lot more therapy appointments, and the seemingly endless amounts of prescription pills.

And of course, the memories I lost along with that rainy fall day...

"Emma..."

I heard my father's voice whisper behind my ear.

"It's time..."

I had no more energy to fight back with my usual stubborn attitude, I felt no love in my heart for my family.

I simply did as I was told now... like I was child once more.

I felt a single tear roll down my cheek as I grasped the head of the cane and pushed on it, standing up steadily but still very shaky.

All of the nurses that had taken care of me for the last two months all smiled and cheered, happy that I was heading back home...

But inside that fake smile, I was screaming.

I wanted to be dead. I wanted it all to end...

But life doesn't work that way, you have to keep smiling and moving...

Or else you're insane.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: (This is going to be a long author's note so if you want to go straight to the story go right ahead)**

 **Hi guys! I want to deeply apologize for the absence on my story... I've been insanely busy with the start of my junior year and trying to find time for homework, athletics, and of course writing. I also wanted to not only wait until the mid-season finale finished up, but I also was having a major writer's block for all of my stories. I finally got the chance to start writing again, and it feels good to be back on track!**

 **I want to thank you all for the support I've already gotten on this story, and truly thank you all for your kind and constructive reviews!**

 **I also want to take this time to address some of the content in this story... while it will remain rated T, I do want to acknowledge the fact that this story is going to talk about some very real and true experiences that some humans have experienced in their lifetime. While Emma's situation is obviously over exaggerated, I did that purposely for dramatic effect. However, Liam and Killian's situations may hit a little closer to home. I am not a doctor, and some of the medical information is only based on very light research and some personal experience, so please don't take anything seriously as far as medical details. I would just like to courteously let you know that if you are uncomfortable with any of the content in the story, feel free to stop reading. I just felt that I needed to address this now before we got too far into the plot.**

 **And for those of you who are curious, Emma's memory loss and her personality all symbolize the Dark Swan in a more modern and realistic style. The story will follow her as she loses that darkness within herself and relearns who she is as a person.**

 **Winter Season Finale Reaction: DEAD WITH FEELS. OFFICIALLY DONE WITH OUAT. Just kidding I love this show too much. But seriously... THIS SHIP! Why do they have to keep breaking my heart?! And Rumple I was just starting to like you again... and you just had to... ugh whatever. What else should have I expected to see from him? I loved seeing Emma as the Dark One, but am happy to see her old self back. As for the underworld plot, I'm sooooooooooo excited! I'm interested to see where it leads with all of those bad villains coming back!**

 **Anyway, thank you so much and enjoy!:)**

* * *

 **CHAPTER 8**

 _ **Emma and Killian**_

* * *

 _ **"Since we cannot change reality, let us change the eyes which see reality."**_

 **-Nikos Kazantzakis**

 ** _Emma_**

It had been three weeks since I had moved back home... or what I was told was home.

I had to give it to myself, I was one Hell of a decorator. But even so, it just felt like a doll's house...

And I felt like I was being played with endlessly.

Henry didn't even like to look at me, and as much as I hated to say it, I was glad he was giving me space.

But Neal was constantly trying to get me to be productive, whether it was taking a small walk outside or making awkward small talk.

I knew that he was just trying to help, but at the end of the day, it just reminded me how much my life had changed at that point.

When Neal would go to work in the morning and Henry was in school, I found that my solitude was comforting and tranquil, a way to finally have time alone with only my thoughts to interrupt my actions.

I would watch the snow outside to window frost the edges of the panes, the way they grew and crystalized in such a timeless manner.

Eventually though, watching ships go in and out of the harbor became quite a dull hobby.

I sometimes found myself wandering down the hallways in order to keep my mind off things, but was too tired to truly take a long walk. I took comfort in the sounds of laughter and joys in the many closed doors.

But then it only reminded me that those closed doors would never open for me... not at my level of loneliness.

As my life remained in a paused circle, the rest of the world continued to fast forward through time.

I felt trapped in an endless routine, and I didn't feel like I belonged.

Not in a generation that relied on time...

* * *

 _ **Killian**_

I had been hearing a lot of footsteps pass the door of late. That wasn't uncommon, of course, but it was in front of a significant door that had been empty for some time.

I had heard rumors about Emma's return, but had a hard time believing they would allow her to come home so soon.

After I had seen her that one time in the hospital, I couldn't stop thinking about her wellbeing.

It wasn't meant to be creepy in any way, but I simply needed to know that she was at least alright.

When I wasn't doing anything particularly interesting minus making sure that Liam wasn't choking on his own blood, I would leave some food or a get well card on the door mat.

If I knew anything, It was that knowing somebody was thinking of you; even a total stranger; can make anybody smile a little bit, even if they felt like happiness was impossible to accomplish whatsoever.

I knew that Emma would be going through grief... not necessarily over someone they've lost, but over her old life that she now couldn't even remember existed.

I knew that she didn't need my pity, and that wasn't at all what I planned to give her.

I realized she just needed a friend, and If I could at least accomplish that, then I would finally have a day where I didn't have to think about Milah's bloody body cupped in my hands.

Just one day out 365.

* * *

 _ **Emma**_

It was a colder morning that day, and as always, the apartment was empty.

Some leftover Pop Tart crumbs were lightly sprinkled on the marble countertop, most likely from a rushed breakfast that Henry tried to pull together.

He barely spoke a word to me, otherwise I would have gladly made him some eggs... it would at least give me something to do.

But I probably would do the same thing after the way I treated him in the hospital.

My eyes drooped with fatigue that I now experienced due to malnourished muscles, and the pains that I inhibited from recent surgeries made me cringe with achiness.

I entered the kitchen to make myself my own breakfast, opened the fridge, and closed it to screech with pure terror as I saw someone on the other side.

"You need some groceries, my friend."

The mysterious man was drinking some Coke in one hand, while holding an IV bag in the other. He was also on artificial oxygen, for I could see the tubes running from his nose into a portable oxygen tank. However, I couldn't help but blush at his physical features, for he wasn't particularly unattractive despite his health.

"Feel free to stare. I get it from a lot of people."

I suddenly realized that he was right and that I had indeed been staring straight at his oxygen tank and IV drip.

"Don't be embarrassed... serves me right for smoking as a teenager. A word of advice Emma, just say no."

I had to shake my head to make sure I wasn't hallucinating from one of my pain meds.

"H-how do you know my name? And who the Hell are you anyway? And how did you get into my house?"

He took a large sip of drink, and swallowed it loudly.

"Oh that's right you kind have that new memory problem... My apologies. Liam Jones at you service. I was your best friend after you graduated from college. So much in fact that we were roommates for awhile. So that's where this shanty of a place comes in. You see, I was the one who introduced you to Neal, so when you two got married and moved back to Storybrooke which just happened to be my hometown, I decided to just go ahead and move down the hall. So long story short, I'm your bestie who also has keys to your house. Your husband has been concerned about you, so I have been assigned to keep an eye on you while he and Henry are gone in the mornings. So you and I will practically be roommates again! Doesn't that sound fun?"

I couldn't help but smirk at Liam's strange sarcastic undertone, and I could see why I considered him a friend before I lost my memory.

"So... when we were roommates... did we ever... um...?"

Liam cocked his eyebrow and simply shrugged.

"Hook up you mean? Nah... you always played hard to get. That's not to say that I never had a crush on you, but once you met Neal I knew that you were way out of my league."

I gave myself a sigh of relief... that was the last thing I needed to know about.

"But anyway... I may or may not have eaten your last package of pop tarts. But don't worry, I'll end up throwing it up anyway."

After I sent out a shudder and let that sentence sink in, I sat down on the couch and waited for Liam to join me.

"So I notice that you have a very strong accent? I'm assuming it's British?"

Liam groaned as he sat himself and his fellow packaged friends next to me. "It's Irish... a common stereotypical misconception. My parents lived there for a long time when my mom was still studying to be a doctor. They had me there and my brother was born the following year. My parents were avid sailors, in fact it was their business. Touring other people around Ireland, I mean. Eventually though, Ireland just wasn't enough to fulfill my parent's adventurous needs. So we packed our bags and when my brother and I were in our toddler ages we moved to Storybrooke, Maine to continue the business and for my mom to get a job here as well."

It felt nice to have an actual conversation with Liam, and I appreciated how he treated me like a person rather than dog hit by a car.

"So you have brother. What's he like?"

Liam scoffed. "Oh my kid brother Killian is just an emotionally compromised crybaby who's too handsome for his own good. He had a great relationship with our dad, and fell in love with the sea. So he took over the family business so I wouldn't have to... thank God. He owns a boat called the Jolly Roger just off the harbor here. But he hasn't been back here for quite some time since he got... well that doesn't matter. But anyway, since my body decided to turn to shit and get cancer, he's been back for a few months to make sure I'm ok."

I jumped as I suddenly heard a door slam down the hallway, and somebody screaming Liam's name.

"Liam! Bloody Hell I go to lift weights for fifteen fucking minutes and you're sneaking out! I swear you act like you're still a rebellious 18 year old sometimes."

Liam chuckled to himself. "Speak of the Devil."

Liam's brother continued to yell as he walked in, but went completely quiet as he walked through the door.

I was overwhelmed by his looks, for he was shirtless and obviously sweaty from his workout...

"Well hello, Emma... it's a pleasure to finally meet you."

Liam started coughing as he tried to laugh with fail, and his brother simply rolled his eyes as he went to take care of him.

"Would you like to tell me what you're doing over here? You could have gotten sick just from being outside the room!"

But Liam simply set his feet up on the coffee table and grinned sarcastically. "Oh come on besides you the only virus holding me back is the door!"

I cringed as Liam wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "Besides Neal assigned me to take care of Emma, right?"

Liam's brother simply rolled his eyes and grabbed his brother from the shoulders.

"Yes... as long as I'm in the room with you. So technically he was talking to me."

Liam kept rambling as Killian escorted him out of my apartment, but it wasn't long before he came back to peek his head back in.

"Sorry about him... he forgets that he's actually an adult. What a shocker. But anyway, my name is Killian Jones. If you ever need anything, anything at all, here's my key to my apartment. It's right down the hall in 132. I'll be visiting you a couple of times a week in the mornings to make sure you're doing alright."

And with that, he simply closed the door behind him.

I wasn't sure if it was his kind and charismatic personality that drew me to him, or that he simply had his shirt off...

But either way I knew that something was special about Killian Jones, and I was determined to understand him completely.


	9. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER 9**

 _ **Killian**_

* * *

 _ **"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."**_

 **-Helen Keller**

 _"So do you want to tell me how you got messed up with this punk in the first place?"_

Milah continued to keep her hoodie deep over the brim of her forehead to hide the black eye swelling in her socket.

 _"I don't really even know... I've always been messing with the wrong crowd for as long as I can remember. I'm a very extroverted person... being popular is kind of part of our nature."_

I watched as she slurped the coffee up like it was going to be the last drink of her life, and gulp it down her throat making her wheeze at the heat.

 _"Don't breathe or anything."_

She gave me a tiny smile, but it wasn't enough to convince me.

 _"Well, I may not have many friends... not that it's bad if you do, being popular isn't always a bad thing. I have many so called 'extroverted' friends, and they consider their hoards of friends a very special part of their life."_

She continued to keep her face down.

 _"But here's the thing. If you have too many friends, eventually that can become extremely strenuous and pressuring. That's when the so called 'wrong crowd' starts to appear. Pretty soon, they'll all want you getting drunk and high at parties, or worse making you have sex with someone that you know you don't feel ready for."_

She finally looked at me with her desperate eyes, making me sigh with pity.

 _"You see, I'm an extroverted person too. I enjoy being around people, I enjoy talking and going out to parties. I have my acquaintances. But there's a very big difference between that and a friend. I would keep that in mind the next to time you decide to spend time with these people."_

She cocked her eyebrows. _"So what's your point? What does this have anything to do with my boyfriend?"_

I smiled and pushed the coffee closer to her hand. _"I'm saying that you should just leave this jerk. He doesn't sound like a good friend, let alone a romantic interest. It's not my life; eventually the decision is up to you, but I'm also saying that you should keep it in mind as well."_

She was silent for a moment, and the coffee shop's doors continued to open with huge amounts of customers ready for their order.

 _"I'll keep that in mind... thank you... for everything."_

I watched as she slipped me a piece of paper with her number on it. _"You're a cool person, Killian. Let's hang out again, sometime."_

And with that, I watched as she opened the doors to the outside world...

And left me in reality once again.

* * *

"U-um... Excuse me... Killian... Jones? Right?"

My blurry vision concealed the figure standing in front of me, but I could hear a woman's voice and what seemed to be the same type of body shape.

"U-um, I was wondering If you could show me where the nearest convenience store was? W-we're running out of essential groceries and it's uh... kind of driving me insane."

I rubbed my eyes to finally see who the woman was, when it finally hit me when I saw the distinctive blonde locks covering her read leather jacket.

"Oh yeah... no problem, Emma."

I realized I was shirtless as well, for she was looking at my stomach. "Sorry, I wasn't aware that you were coming over."

"Oh no it isn't your fault... I should have been more polite about it."

I shook my head as I slipped on my shirt which wasn't far away from my sleeping spot on the couch. "You don't need to apologize, Emma. Neal told me I'm supposed to help you, so that's what I'm going to do."

I realized that I wasn't truthfully being the nicest to her at the moment, but I also wasn't a very good morning person.

"Follow me... the nearest store is about a block from the apartment."

I watched as she pulled out a cane and started to walk behind me, and the grunts that she made with every step made me cringe.

"Do you use a wheelchair? It might help you get around without over exhausting yourself."

Emma was quiet minus the noises she made while she walked. "I don't like wheelchairs... they make me feel different. A cane is enough."

I didn't know what else to say in that moment, for I could tell that whatever Emma witnessed or experienced within the past few months, it wasn't anything worth talking about.

When we reached the stairs, I held out my hand and grasped her palm. "Emma, please let me help you."

"No... I barely know you, and I've got this. I just need some food."

I rolled my eyes and wrapped her arm around my shoulder anyway. "Well, whether you like it or not I'm much healthier than you and as your current caretaker I insist I help you."

She glared at me with her grey eyes, and attempted to push away, only to make her cringe forgetting that she had injuries on her upper body as well.

"You know, when I first met you I assumed that you would understand what it's like to be unhealthy... now I'm not so sure."

I suddenly stopped in my tracks and looked her straight in the eyes, but based on the way she was looking at me I figured she was just depressed.

"May I ask why it's so important to get groceries NOW? I mean Neal should be home again soon... don't you just want to wait until then?"

She glared at me again, and I simply raised my hands in defeat. "Have it your way, then."

The cold air flushed into our bodies like a sheet of white, and I watched as Emma shivered into my body.

"Are you cold? Do you need to use my jacket?"

Emma realized that she was in my arms and pushed away, groaning and shivering at the same time.

"Bloody Hell... this is going to be harder than I thought it would."

She tried to walk ahead of me, and I pretended to be slower in order to boost her self-esteem.

I lead her over to the small grocery store on the corner, and watched as she started to slip and wobble on the ice.

I caught her right as she was about to hit the ground, and seeing that my arm was holding onto her elbow she ripped it away and continued inside.

I wasn't normally a pitiful person, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for Emma as she desperately searched the shelves and her breath started to get faster and panicky.

"Is there anything that you particularly want, Emma?"

Emma shook her head and placed her arm on my shoulder to signal me to stand back. "U-uh... Oreos... I want Oreos. They're my guilty pleasure."

I started to point in the significant direction. "Oh well those should be right over..."

"No... NO! I want to find them myself!"

There was an awkward silence in the store as the entire aisle looked at us, and naturally shook their heads at the judgmental immaturity they figured was Emma's fault.

"I was just going to say that their in the next aisle..." I whispered softly.

Emma looked at me suddenly, and I noticed tears were welling up. "I'm so sorry... I just wanted to do something for myself for once."

As I stared into her eyes, I didn't see Emma there. Only one person came to mind as I stared at the desperation lying underneath...

Milah.

I didn't know what came over me, but I found myself embracing Emma instead of getting angry; allowing her to bawl into my jacket.

"Come on, Emma... let's go somewhere that I know will make you feel better... it's right down the street."

She finally agreed and allowed me to take her hand...

And I brought her to the place where I first rescued Milah.

* * *

"Oh coffee... I feel like it's been forever since I've had it."

I watched as Emma gently sipped on the cappuccino in her hand, and stare at her twiddling thumbs.

"So do you want to tell me why this sudden urge to get Oreos occurred? I mean I know that you said you wanted to do something for yourself, but could you further explain to me why you want that?"

Emma continued to look at her thumbs and shrugged. "I don't really know... It's just hard. Living in one reality where everything was totally fine and life was in your favor, then waking up totally dependent on other people. You don't understand what that's like."

I sighed and looked at her slumped body. "You're right Emma I don't. And neither does your family. But that's also not their fault. It's human nature to fear the unknown... they mean well, just like me. But I understand why you say that."

She finally looked up at me, and she looked like I had said the most profound words in the universe. "Wow... you're the only person who has said something like that to me so far... even my own doctors."

I smiled. "I've been told I give good advice."

Emma smiled for the first time that morning, and I was taken aback by how beautiful she looked, even with everything she went through.

We stared at each other for a few moments until I broke the silence.

"But anyway, I think you should talk to Liam at some point before his health gets worse. He might have better first hand input on what you're going through. He's experienced many of the same things you have."

Emma nodded. "Alright, that sounds awesome! Liam seems like a cool person."

"Yeah, it sounds like you two were very close in college. But not romantically. I guess you were inseparable..."

I watched as her smile went back into a frown, and immediately felt bad. "I'm sorry, did I say something wrong?"

"Oh no... you're fine. I just want to remember."

I looked at Emma and smiled gently. "Well, even if you can't, you can always make new beautiful memories. Those can be just as good."

Emma smiled again, and looked at her drink. "Well anyway, thank you for the coffee... I feel much better now."

"It was my pleasure, Emma. You're welcome to my home anytime."

And with that, I wrapped my elbow around hers and walked her home.

With a new beginning ahead of us in the unknowing winter.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hi everybody!**

 **Sorry for the delay in writing, I swear I've been getting busier and busier! But thank you for still supporting this story and the kind feedback that I've received! It makes me so happy!**

 **But wow what a season opener on Sunday! That was one of the best episodes OUAT's had in a long time! I got such first season nostalgia from it! It's amazing to see how far this show has gone! And OMG HOOK'S FACE THOUGH! MY BABIES!**

 **Anyway, enough fangirling from me, let's get this story going!**

 **Happy 100th episode of OUAT!**

 **DISCLAIMER: The characters in this story are not my own, I simply have created a story involved with them. And the song in this chapter is obviously not mine, either.**

 **Thanks for supporting the story, and enjoy!**

* * *

 **CHAPTER 10**

 _ **Emma**_

* * *

 _ **"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance."**_

 **-Alan Watts**

The plates tapped and scraped as my fork met with the food on the table. The silence between Neal and I was absolutely deafening.

"So Killian down the hall told me that you were a little stressed this morning. Do you want to talk about it?"

I continued to pick at my food as I stared at the polished surface of the wooden table. "I'd rather not if that's alright with you."

Neal nodded and swallowed the mashed potatoes on his fork. "Well, just know I'm here for you, Emma. For better or for worse."

I finally looked at him, and his eyes met mine for a split second. "I don't understand why you're still with me, Neal. I envy your determination."

Neal smiled gently and chuckled under his breath. "Well it may seem hard to believe, but there was a time when we were in love. And I still love you, even if it's not quite the same. I made a vow to you, Emma. And nothing will change that until you decide to hand me the divorce papers. I know it's going to happen eventually, but for now, I'm willing to take care of you until you feel up to it."

I brushed my fingers through my blonde locks, and sighed deeply. "I appreciate the consideration, Neal... But I'm not so sure Henry will feel the same way."

Neal frowned for a moment, but simply smiled in remark. "Henry will always love you as well, Emma. But you also have to remember he's a growing teenager whose mom almost died into a car crash, only to wake up not even remembering when he was born. You have to understand his position."

I realized that Neal was right in this moment, and simply continued to eat the last scraps that I had left on my plate.

"So is there anything else on your mind that you want to talk to me about while we're sitting here? I feel like it's been forever since you've even given me half a glance."

Neal said this in a joking manner, and I could tell that he meant it merely as a conversation starter...

But I couldn't help but feel the depression in my heart fathom ten inches lower.

"What's the story between Liam and I? Besides the fact that we were once roommates in our twenties?"

Neal shrugged his shoulders. "I don't really know what else to say besides that. You two did everything together, but you never really talked about what you did together or anything. And I trusted Liam; there was nothing that I needed to worry about with him. He always made sure it was ok if you two ever went out for more than a couple of hours. He may seem like a crack head, but he's actually a wonderful person..."

He suddenly became sad and turned his head away. "On the night of the accident, I didn't tell him what happened. He had already been diagnosed with his cancer, and I realized that worrying about you was the last thing he needed."

He was trying to hide a tear, but I could tell he was crying either way.

"But he found out anyway, and immediately went to work. He always tried to visit you when he was at the hospital, left you food and get well cards, took out Henry if he needed a breather, and cleaned the house when I gone for a long period of time to take care you... I don't know what I would have done without him."

He wiped the tear away, and I couldn't help but reach for his hand and squeeze it gently. "I'm sorry that I've been so hard on you... you really don't deserve it."

By then I was the one starting to cry. "I can see why I fell for you."

I watched as he stared at me with adoring eyes, and I suddenly felt my back arch as brought his lips to mine.

I didn't fight him this time, I just simply let him kiss me and pull away sadly.

"I'm sorry, Emma... I just... needed to do that at least once... I hope you didn't mind."

I shook my head and brushed his cheek. "Neal, at the of the day, you are my husband. I will be honest with you, the Emma you knew before and the love I had for you is gone. But you never need to apologize if you feel the need to embrace your love for me... because I know you still love me, and that's nothing to be ashamed of."

And from that moment forward, the house had a giant weight lifted, and some peace had finally been fulfilled with Neal and I.

But Henry refused to compromise.

* * *

I was recovering much faster than expected, and was slowly starting to take longer walks and doing more things around the house by myself.

I was cleaning the kitchen when I heard my cell phone ring.

It took me a second to reply since I couldn't quite remember how to use it, but when I answered Killian was on the other end.

"Hi Emma... I just thought I would check in since it's been awhile. I'm not really doing anything today and my parents are taking care of Liam for the weekend, so I just thought that maybe we could hang out a little later if you feel up to it. Let me know if you're interested."

When I hung up the conversation, I found myself smiling for some odd reason.

Killian would come over at least once every week to see if everything was ok, and thankfully, his visits were becoming less frequent do to my improving health.

It was helpful to have a neutral source to be there for me whenever I had to see my neurologist or had to attend physical therapy. His friendship was becoming essential to my wellbeing.

I hadn't been over to his house since we went to the coffee shop, so I figured that this was a good chance to visit.

When I called him back, his voice seemed tired on the other end.

"Why hello Emma Swan. How are you this fine morning? Judging by the fact you called me back you are interested in my offer?"

His accent was heavy from the morning wake-up call. "Well, you would be correct Killian."

"I'm glad to hear it. I'll be over at your apartment soon."

"Well that's the thing... I was planning on coming over to you."

I heard a cough on the other end. "Oh yeah... that's fine. Just a fair warning, the apartment's a little messy... and just be prepared. You haven't been over here for more than a couple of minutes."

I cocked my eyebrows and rolled my eyes. I didn't entirely know what he meant by that comment, but then again he was a complicated man, so I wasn't too alarmed.

"Alright, give me thirty minutes to get the rest of my kitchen cleaned up and gather my things. I'll be right over."

He quickly hung up which I found strange, but I just assumed he was having a rough morning.

When I arrived in front of his door, I could hear the music playing on the other side.

 _Where are those happy days they seem so hard to find? I tried to reach for you but you have closed your mind..._

 _Whatever happened to our love? I wish I understood. It used to be so nice it used to be so good_ _(S.O.S, ABBA)._

I rolled my eyes... I never would have thought a man like Killian would be a fan of ABBA.

I knocked on the door a couple of times without an answer, when I suddenly remembered I had keys to his place.

I unlocked the door and let myself in, only to find S.O.S at full blast and Killian dancing to it with a bottle of rum in his hand.

"Oh hey Emma... About damn time you showed up. I swear I could have grown a whole beard with how long you took to get here."

I rolled my eyes and turned off the music.

"Now what the Hell was that for? Come on, that song's a classic!"

I tried to grab for his drink. "You're drunk."

He kept sneaking it past me. "Oh come on, love don't be like that..."

When he said this, I immediately glared at him straight through his piercing blue eyes. "Don't ever call that, you understand? I'm a married woman, and I am not your 'love.'"

I finally got the chance to grab the rum from his hand and slam it into the garbage.

"You know that should be recycled... it's glass."

I sat him down on the couch and handed him a glass of water. "Well it's trash in my book."

I was about to ask him what made him want to get so drunk, but he was already passed out before I could even mention a word.

As I sat there contemplating what I just walked into, I started to look around and noticed cardboard boxes that were still unopened and untouched.

I knew that Killian had been here for at least six months, since he moved in at the same exact time of my accident.

Everything around the house was neat and tidy minus the mess he just made in his drunken state, so why would there still be unopened boxes?

They were unlabeled, so I couldn't make out what was inside.

I knew better than to look, so instead I started to look at his collection of albums and movies.

He had a wide variety of movies that I had never watched despite their popularity, and albums from the 80's and 70's.

"Well that explains the ABBA music" I whispered to myself.

But everything seemed so strange... his drunkenness, the boxes, the plainness of the apartment...

The snow fell softly outside the clear windows, and the dawn of December found its way through the panes.

I looked back at Killian's sleeping body slumped over on the couch, and questioned the man who had inadvertently found his way into my life.

What secret did Killian Jones keep?

And what was so dark about them that made them so secret?


	11. Chapter 11

**CHAPTER 11**

 _ **Killian**_

* * *

 ** _"You cry and you scream and you stomp your feet and you shout. You say, 'You know what? I'm giving up, I don't care.' And then you go to bed and you wake up and it's a brand new day, and you pick yourself back up again."_**

- **Nicole Scherzinger**

* * *

She never did call me after that day in the coffee shop.

I remember looking at that piece of napkin, folded so politely with her mysterious number tied in between the edged paper.

I would always turn away from it before I gained the decency to pick up the phone, and pretty soon, that once delicate and perfect piece of paper now faded into a wrinkled reminder of my insecurity.

My crush on Milah faded like the snow that edged the harbors, slowly and quickly at the same time.

By the time I graduated from high school, she was nothing more than a distant memory, a beautiful flower in the middle of a garden of weeds.

That is, until I saw her once more toward the middle of my freshman year of college.

I was heading to my next class, and due to the immense cold that befell on the campus that particular afternoon, I decided to just take my car despite trying to save on fuel and therefore money.

I closed the door to my car, and revved the engine, until I noticed something moving in the back seat.

It lasted for about a second, so I figured it was nothing and continued to start the car.

Suddenly, a head popped out from behind my seat, and a girl with matted brown hair with bruises all over her face stared back at me in the mirror.

 _"Killian... is that you?"_

I was so shocked at the state she was in, I didn't even know how to answer her or even get a chance to question how she got into my car.

 _"U-um... yes... remind me again... who are you?"_

She seemed highly taken aback by this for some odd reason, as if she expected me to remember after a year.

 _"Milah. Milah Rogers. You had a crush on me in high school."_

I awkwardly giggled at that comment. _"Um... I was a senior. You were a sophomore. I didn't get crushes on underclassmen."_

She smirked weakly. _"But if you claim to not recognize me, or supposedly have a crush on me, then how do you know what grade I was in?"_

I rolled my eyes, realizing she found my bluff. _"Alright you little beggar what do you want?"_

I realized that what I just said out came out particularly harsh, but it was a long day, and I wasn't in the mood for her dramatic bullshit.

 _"I... I need help. I have nowhere else to go, and I found this old piece of napkin with your number on it... My parents don't want me, and I can't go back to... him. I'm sorry, but I have nowhere else to go. I just need a place to stay for tonight and then I'll be out of your hair... I promise."_

I rolled my eyes. _"So let me get this straight... you barely even talk to me your first two years of high school, tease me along with your little friends, let me buy you coffee once, and just expect to jump into my car while I'm on my way to a class and expect me to be ok with it?"_

I knew by the way she looked at me that what I was saying was true, and her idea was extremely illogical and last resort, but she had that same look of desperation that made me melt all of the other times before...

I know what a normal person would have done.

I know that under any normal circumstance, she would have just been thrown onto the street with the rest of her druggies she called friends and the whores she associated with...

But I knew that wasn't right either. She was only 17, and the desperation in her eyes was genuine and honest.

And thus began the love story that was doomed to fail...

And how it all lead up to that horrible night...

And her blood staining my body red.

* * *

As I groggily started coming to, I noticed that I was in bed and the covers had been placed over my body.

I didn't remember making it to bed, let alone the couch.

Normally, I was so used to getting drunk that hangovers were just a distant memory...

But this time my head was throbbing like a pulsing machine of pain.

I heard a noise from the kitchen, so naturally I grabbed the key and unlocked the drawer where my gun was.

I looked at it for a moment, and flashes of memories came flooding back...

I shook them away quickly, and held It close to my body.

I slowly tiptoed to the kitchen, stealthily and without hesitation.

Hiding behind the wall, I peered over my shoulder as the noises excessively got louder, and took a deep breath...

1, 2, 3...

I jumped out from behind the wall, and an ear piercing scream shattered the terrifying silence that I woke up to.

"Jesus Christ, Killian! Why the Hell do you have a gun with you? It's just me for God's sake!"

My blurry vision from my headache clouded the apparition for a moment, but the striking blonde hair immediately triggered my senses.

"Oh... Emma... I'm so sorry. I just heard noises from the kitchen and assumed..."

She was staring me with her hands on her hips with one of her eyebrows cocked and with a frustrated frown on her face.

"Well who else did you think it would be? YOU were the one who invited me, after all."

Her comment hit me like a bunch of bricks. "Ah shit, Emma... I'm so sorry."

"It's alright, Killian." Her voice was tired and shaky, as if she was close to tears.

She was throwing something away, and I finally looked around at the apartment.

"I made a mess didn't I?"

She looked at me and rose her eyebrows. "Take a lucky guess."

That was enough for me to know she wasn't too happy with me.

"Hey listen... I'm really sorry about this. It was just a bad day..." I quickly stiffened at my comment; she didn't need to know about my problems when she had enough of her own.

She seemed to understand this when I froze, and instead glanced over at the unopened boxes in the apartment.

"You should unpack those... they're kind of an eyesore."

I was taken aback. "Please don't say that about those boxes. If I want to keep them closed, that's my decision, not yours."

My voice became cold, and she quickly recognized it and started backing away, holding back tears.

"Alright Killian... I get it. I'll just give you some space for awhile."

I immediately felt an aching feeling in my gut, and reached back out for her.

"Emma, wait..."

Our hands intertwined, and she paused for a moment staring at our palms.

She looked back up at me with her striking silver-blue eyes, and I found myself staring back into them for a moment.

I immediately saw Milah looking back at me, laughing the way she used to when she would catch me staring at her with adoration.

"Killian why are you staring at me?"

But Emma wasn't laughing, and she scoffed as she ripped her hand away from mine. "Text me when you're ready to properly apologize to me you drunk, ungrateful, asshole."

And with that, her shadow disappeared into the darkness, leaving me once again to my loneliness.


	12. Chapter 12

**CHAPTER 12**

 **Emma**

* * *

" **The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly."**

 **― F. Scott Fitzgerald  
**

* * *

The apartment was cold.

I was attempting to warm myself by bundling in whatever blanket I could find, but to no avail.

I was in so much pain today, and even a simple walk to the bathroom required to me to use the walls for support.

The doctors told me I would have my good days and bad days: It was safe to say this wasn't one my better ones.

After a couple of hours moaning and writhing in excruciating pain on the couch, I heard the door slam and squeaking tennis shoes echoing through the room.

"Hello? I'm home!"

Henry looked around the room a couple of times, and it wasn't until he unpacked his homework and walked to the other side of the couch that he noticed me.

"Oh my God! Mom! Are you okay?

I was in so much pain I was sobbing, and was too weak to speak.

"U-uh... hold on, mom I'm gonna call dad real quick!"

I felt horrible for Henry to be put in such a position, but at the same time there was nothing I could do.

"Damn it!"

I heard Henry slam his fist on the kitchen counter top, and wondered if he would have used the same language if his dad was here...

I wasn't sure what Henry was doing now, but I could slightly tell he was using his cellphone yet again, and started to wonder who else he could possibly be calling if Neal didn't answer.

"Hello? Is this Liam?"

I immediately stiffened when I heard this. The last thing I needed was to deal with those brothers.

"Oh ok..."

I listened as hard as I could while trying to deal with the pain.

"Yeah it's my mom. She's having some pain flare ups today and is really struggling."

There was a longer pause.

"I have no clue if she took all of her medication today... I just got back home from school."

I did take my medication today, it just wasn't helping.

"Okay, I'll be here, but I have homework to finish so I need you to take care of her until my dad comes home."

Another pause.

"Alright. Thank you so much. I'll see you in a few minutes."

As he hung up the phone, he grabbed his back pack and briefly walked by the couch.

"Killian's coming over to keep an eye on you. I'm gonna do homework. Let me know if you need me."

The tears welled up in my eyes trickled down my cheek faster as I listened to the cold tone of Henry's voice.

I wanted to tell him thank you for everything, and tell him how much I loved him despite everything that happened to me.

But at this point, I was just roadkill beyond saving in his eyes.

I heard the door open again, and felt running feet come to my aid.

"Oh Emma..."

Killian grabbed my hand as he felt my forehead in the meantime.

"You're hot. We need to get you out off the couch and into bed. Is it alright if I carry you, love?"

His use of "love" in that sentence alarmed me, but I was in so much pain all I could do was groan as he gently wrapped his hands underneath my back and knees and clutched me in close.

"Killian..." I whispered.

"Shhhhh... it's okay, Emma. I've got you. I'll make you feel better."

Everything was fading in and out of reality as I was falling out of consciousness.

I kept looking at Killian's light blue eyes, and oddly found myself entranced by them.

I traced my eyes down his scruff on his chin, all the way to his stubble that his leather jacket barely covered on the tip of his chest.

"Just hang on, Emma. We're almost there..."

I felt immediate pleasure as he placed me back on my bed, frantically grabbing the covers to cure the chills shivering through my body.

Killian turned the heat up quite a bit, dampened a towel, and started dabbing at my forehead.

"You have to be more careful, Emma. You know you're at a high risk for infection."

I scoffed weakly. "Like you should be talking. If I recall it was you passed out drunk after drinking the entire contents of your fridge."

I meant it as a joke, but Killian wasn't laughing. "Emma... If only I could tell you the truth..."

I had no clue what he meant by that, but I was simply too exhausted to question any more.

"Just take care of me for now and leave me alone. You still owe me an apology."

I felt as Killian leaned back in the chair he parked next to the bed, take a deep breath, and gently grab my hand.

"I am so sorry, Emma. You have been a great friend recently, and we take care of each other. That wasn't fair to you, and you really didn't deserve it."

I groggily looked at him, and darted my eyes down to our hands.

I found myself staring into his beautiful blue eyes once again, as if time didn't exist and I could stare at them for eternity.

And for some reason, I found a very strong urge to kiss him.

But before I could say or do anything else, he quickly pulled his hand out and awkwardly gazed away.

"But anyway, you should really get some rest. That fever needs to break before it festers into pneumonia."

I stared back up at the wall, wondering what just happened between us, and had a horrible realization.

I was a married woman with a 15 year old boy, both whom I couldn't remember having a life with, and was starting to crush on my best friend's brother.

At that point, I had no choice but to lay back and let my brain shut off before It started to tell me more possibilities of things that were impossible to grasp.

But for some reason, all I could see was Killian staring at me with his piercing blue eyes, and have that small feeling of desire.

Even if it was just for a moment.

Because until now, I never realized how important he was to my life.

He was giving me the will to live again.


	13. Chapter 13

**Hi, everybody-**

 **I'm so sorry for those who follow my stories. I know I haven't been writing very often and I sincerely apologize for that. But it's my senior year in high school, I've been getting ready for college, and because of that writing has been low on my priority list. I can't thank you enough for the amount of support I've gotten from all of you. I also apologize ahead of time if some of the information in this story is somewhat false. It's a fanfiction, so it's not going to be completely realistic all the time. But I understand why that may bug some people so I just wanted to quickly address that.**

 **I can't guarantee that my any of my stories are going to be on a specific schedule. My hope is to get back into my writing during the Summer when things calm down a bit before I begin college.**

 **But thank you anyway for all of your fantastic love and support on all of my stories!**

 **Thank you and enjoy!**

* * *

 **CHAPTER 13**

 **Killian**

* * *

 **"Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it."**

 **-Helen Keller**

* * *

She was so vulnerable in that moment, and she looked at me with the eyes of a fallen warrior.

I knew that look; from Liam and, of course, the ghost that continued to haunt my everyday life: Milah.

I had learned to be more of a caretaker than a companion since these people were a part of my life, sometimes to the point where I forgot my own sense of well-being.

Every day, that case of beer hiding in the back of the fridge looked more and more comforting as my depression began to cloud my senses.

But when I thought about the day when Emma walked in on me in my drunken state, the more it didn't seem as appealing.

To see her so fragile, shaking like a puppy and clutching my chest like an infant was more than I could bear.

I held a beer, feeling the condensation running down my fingertips, wanting it more than ever...

But I put it back immediately before it could reach its way back into my temptations.

There was a knock on the door, and my brother stumbled his way over to answer it.

I heard a small amount of conversation between the unknown person and my brother, but before long Liam hobbled to the kitchen and lifted his chin.

"You have a visitor." He winked at me, gave me a thumbs up, and slinked away before I could roll my eyes at him.

In front of me was the same familiar golden locks that now entered my dreams.

"Emma."

She smiled gently, sighed, and suddenly threw her arms around me, placing her palm behind my head.

"I never got to thank you for helping me the other night."

I froze for a moment, flashing back to a memory from years before...

* * *

She had been staying with me for many months now.

What was supposed to be a few days turned into much longer, but it really didn't have anything to do with her at all.

She was actually an extremely respectful roommate: clean, responsible, and courteous of my space.

Don't get me wrong, she could still be a pain my ass sometimes, but I almost began to enjoy her little idiosyncrasies.

The way she would smoke in the apartment, even when I repeatedly told her how much I hated that, or her laugh that was so insanely obnoxious but contagious at the same time...

I fell for her so fast I couldn't keep my head on straight.

It started out little. I waited until she was 18 before I did anything remotely romantic for her.

I began taking her out on subtle dates, claiming we were going as "friends," but she figured out pretty quickly that it was so much more than that.

I was just too much of coward to make the first move, so she was the one who kissed me when we first started dating.

God, I miss how she kissed me.

So soft and gentle, but yet so pleasurable, making me thirsty for more.

I remember our 2nd anniversary, we had been roommates, and at this point, living with each other as a couple for 3 years.

She was kissing me, pushing me onto the bed and trying to pull my shirt off, but I kept pushing her away before she could get anywhere close.

 _"Milah, please. You're too young. I don't want to take advantage of you..."_

She shook her head. _"But you're not. I'm allowing you to do this. I want you. I love you."_ She continued to press her body against mine.

I finally scoffed and slid off the bed, straightening my shirt and taking a heavy breath. _"Is that all I am to you, Milah? Another one of your toys you play with just so you can get some pleasure? I'm not going to do that to you. I know you've had sex before, but I don't want it right now. If I'm going to have all of you I want it when you're completely mine."_

She sat on the bed in silence for a moment.

 _"I never completely thanked you for saving my life."_

I turned around to see her holding a ring in her palm.

 _"Killian, you took me in when nobody else would, even my own parents. If it weren't for you, I don't know where I'd be. You're also the love of my life. If I wanted to give you all of me, I wouldn't do that with just some ordinary person. So with that being said..."_

She held out the ring and smiled.

"Will you marry me?"

* * *

You're welcome, Emma. You know I'm always here for you."

Emma shook her head as I pulled away from our mild embrace. "No, you have to understand how sorry I am for being a bitch to you the other night..."

"I was completely asking for it. You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm just glad you're safe and healthy again."

She kept staring into my eyes, and I found myself having to tear myself away.

"So what would you like to do that doesn't involve getting sick or wasted?"

She laughed for a moment. "I don't know. Whatever you wanna do."

I shrugged and knelt down to the shelves of movies that lined the walls.

"Wow. You're definitely a movie person."

I grunted as I pulled out a couple. "Oh yeah. Life without movies would be bleak indeed."

I laid them all on the coffee table. "Ok, I grabbed the basic cult classic chick flicks that you probably like. _Titanic, The Breakfast Club,_ and _Clueless_. Take your pick."

Emma shook her head. "Uh... _Titanic_ , I guess?"

I stared at her with bulged eyes. "Wait a second... are you trying to tell me that you've NEVER seen _Titanic_?!"

Emma cocked her head. "Killian, I suffer from amnesia right now. Even if I did see it, I probably don't remember. And shouldn't we be addressing the fact that you like an insane amount of cliche chick flicks?"

I ignored her comment about the chick flicks. "Well then, prepare to cry and witness the true sexual awakening that Leo DiCaprio was for 90's women... and Kate Winslet for guys I suppose."

She rolled her eyes. "Really? You're honestly trying to convince me that the same director of _The Terminator_ can write a genuine love story in the setting of a tragic boat accident?"

"Oh, so you know _Terminator_?"

"You're talking about 1984 versus 1998. Of course, I remember _The Terminator_. At least the first one. "

I thought for a moment. "Oh... aye."

I pressed the DVD into the casket. "Well, be prepared to be wowed with some of the cheesiest and most quoted lines in pop culture, and for one of the most heart-wrenching endings in film history."

"I wouldn't say in film history, Killian."

"Oh just be quiet and watch the movie."

And with that, the opening credits appeared and we watched together in the quiet apartment.

And for the first time in forever, I felt normal again.


	14. Chapter 14

**CHAPTER 14**

 _ **Emma**_

* * *

 ** _"Live life to the fullest, and focus on the positive."_**

 **-Matt Cameron**

Neal was rarely at the apartment since he was still catching up with things at work, so time with him was often minimal and rarely romantic.

Since I told him about my lack of affection, he began to sleep in the guest bedroom, even if I insisted he didn't need to.

After some time, I decided to just let my husband give me the space he felt I needed. He was beginning to understand that our marriage was falling apart, and there wasn't much either one of us could do about it.

As for Henry, I was lucky if I could even muster two words out of his mouth during the day.

He had a basic routine: Wake up for school, catch the bus, come back in the afternoon, do his homework, play a few video games, and finally, go to bed.

In the meantime, he'd possibly say "Hi," "Goodbye," and maybe "Good night" throughout the day.

But even that was a stretch.

One day, a blizzard came through the small sleepy town, blanketing the hills with a sparkling iridescent white coverage that stretched for miles.

I no longer needed a cane to walk, and my strength was slowly returning thanks to hours of physical therapy I endured.

"Hey, Henry."

He had his back to me in his eccentric bedroom plastered with nerdy posters showing off his favorite _Marvel_ Comics and TV shows such as _The Walking Dead_ and _Stranger Things._

"So, it snowed a lot today."

He continued to stare at his phone with his back facing me.

"I was thinking that we could go sledding or something. Or maybe even a little skating?"

He shifted his head in my direction. "I'm good for now. Besides, sledding is for kids."

I shrugged. "I think sledding is fun no matter how old you are. Just like roller skating or jumping on trampolines."

He finally turned around with a scowl drawn on his face. "I said I'm _fine_."

There was a moment of silence as my temper has finally reached its peak, and everything was revealed in a matter of a couple of words.

"You know what? Fine. If you just wanna wallow here all day and ignore me that's fine. I'm not gonna stop you. I understand that I've changed. A lot. Believe me, I get it. And I'm truly sorry for that. But you're also my son, and even though I don't remember much, I do remember that unconditional love that every mother has. I can imagine how it felt to feel my tummy and know that you were coming into the world, and the joy I felt when I wrapped you in my arms for the first time. I'm so sorry that your father and I don't treat each other the same, and how distant we are. I really really am. I tried really hard to fall in love with him again. But with you, even with everything, I still have that little voice in my head that tells me you're special in my life. You're not something that I can just erase. You're my son. You are everything to me. I love you so much. And I'm so sorry if it hasn't seemed like that these past few months. But please don't shut me out. You're the only thing left in my life that feels normal right now."

He finally turned all the way around to look at me, tears welled up in his sockets.

"Mom I-"

But I was already out of the apartment and speed walking to Killian and Liam's apartment.

* * *

After hammering their door with knocks, Liam finally answered the door.

"Liam is Killian-"

I gasped when I saw his sudden deteriorated condition.

He had large bags under his eyes, his skin was pale as a ghost, and his hair had bald spots where hair had begun to fall out from chemo.

"Hey, Emma. Killian is in his bedroom."

He didn't say anything else as he went back to lie down on the couch.

As I walked into Killian's bedroom, I was startled to see him completely shirtless as he turned around to face me.

"Hey, love."

I pretended to divert my eyes away from his rugged chest, but couldn't help sneaking a peek a few times.

"You seem tired," I said acknowledging his constant yawning and puffy eyes.

"Who, me? Yeah. Liam had radiation today."

I bowed my head. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that... I've heard radiation is a bitch."

He chuckled to himself. "Yeah. He's not feeling good. What brings you here?"

I was beginning to walk out the door. "Oh, nothing. I was just checking in..."

"No, come on, Ems. I know that look of yours by now. Something's up."

I diverted my eyes from his bare, muscular chest back up to his face.

"Henry and I had another fight today. I just... needed to get away. I guess you were the first person I thought of. I'm so sorry for intruding..."

I was about to turn around but was startled when Killian gently grabbed my hand and pulled me closer, to the point that I could feel the heat radiating off his chest.

"Maybe we both need to get away." He whispered, staring deeply and intensely into my eyes.

I imagined our lips coming together, locked in an embrace of love, healing, and understanding...

But instead, all he did was pull himself from his stare and put on a sweatshirt, grabbing his winter jacket from his coat hanger.

"Let me take you somewhere."

I followed him closely behind, staring ahead in shame as I attempted to wipe my feelings for him from my mind.

* * *

We walked a few blocks away from the apartment building, past the nearby shops, and down the hills where the harbor was empty for the season.

He brought me down to where the docks would be if they hadn't already been taken out for the winter and stared ahead.

"Killian... Is everything ok?"

He didn't answer as he simply grabbed my hand and pulled me closer next to his hip.

"There are a lot of things I need to tell you eventually."

I was waiting for him to say something else, but instead, I found myself entranced by the seemingly endless Atlantic.

"It really is beautiful out here."

We both stared out at the frozen wasteland for a few more minutes, when I all of a sudden felt my hand enclosed in his.

"Everything's going to be ok, Emma. Someday."

We watched as the sun reflected off the luminescent ice, and the various ice fishers drilling into the frozen waters.

The world stood still as we waited for the nightmares inside our minds to end, and the possibility of a new, better day waiting for us beyond the horizon.

"I should get back to check on Liam."

I looked at him even though he didn't move his gaze an inch.

"Yeah. I'm sure Neal and Henry are wondering where I am by now."

We ripped our hands apart and walked back together without another word.

I dropped him off at his apartment, hugged him, and started walking down the hallway back to my place.

"Hey, Emma?"

I turned around and looked into his crystal blue eyes.

"Just hang in there, ok? Henry will always love you. He just needs some time to get his head wrapped around everything that's happened. But soon enough, he'll come around."

I nodded. "Thanks, Killian."

And with that, I walked back into my apartment, with Henry standing at the door waiting for me.

"Hey, mom."

I smiled. "I'll give you some space."

He shook his head. "No, no, no. I've given you enough space. I never realized just how much I hurt you until today. I've been really immature with you lately, and I'm here to tell you I'm sorry. I just miss you and the way things used to be that's all. But I do still love you, and I shouldn't have given up on you."

We both smiled as we embraced each other.

"I'm sorry too. For everything."

I kissed his forehead and pulled away.

"Now how about we make your dad some dinner?"

He nodded in agreement and helped me pull out the pots and pans.

I thought back to what Killian said to me moments before, and started to wonder if meeting Killian was destiny...

I liked Killian. A lot. That much was certain.

But the way he shrugged me off all the time and kept friend zoning me was strange to me... it was almost like something was holding him back.

There was so much to him that I thought I knew, but yet a whole other side that was like a puzzle that I was still putting together.

He was a mystery unsolved.

What was the secret that would unlock everything?


End file.
